Pinch Me, I'm Dreaming!

Hey, it could happen!  Let's say, I'm in Small Town USA and decided to try to find my Mr. Right online. Of all the other socially available people who have signed on to dating sites, in the country, or even the world, I might just be one of the lucky ones who finds true love.

Just by coincidence, for example, the kind of guy who is, attractive, financially comfortable, and emotionally available will be just as excited to discover ME, hundreds or thousands of miles away. The best part is how quickly he recognizes that I am the woman of  HIS dreams, and within a week reveals that he is falling in love with me.  He bares his soul to me, in such a touching way I feel so lucky and special.

His values are just like mine. He has a high paying job and respects me for the career I've spent years building.  Of course, I could have managed my retirement without him but he is so serious about us having a future together, that he comes up with a business that we can both invest in and work toward.

In this high tech digital age of emails who is old-fashioned enough to write long letters about who they are and what their dreams are? Why would he resist speaking on the phone? And how long did he wait before asking me to send him a check to show my commitment? Maybe I should just be committed to a mental institution for even considering it. 

I know, I've warned you before but here are some other red flags about people misrepresenting themselves:

They tell you they know they are falling in love with you within the first 3 conversations you have. (usually by text or email.)

They say no matter what size you are, (large or small) your appearance doesn't matter to them.

They take too long to answer a simple question, or their response is often oddly worded. (Watch for errors in grammar as well, as they may be using a translator program because they don't actually speak English.)

They tell you about some tragic situation that their wallet was stolen, and they are in danger in a foreign country so can you please send them a "loan."

Marvin Gaye sang "Believe half of what you see, son, and none of what you hear." When it comes to internet dating, take your time getting to know someone. Don't believe everything just because you "Heard it Through the Grapevine."

I

VIRTUALLY YOURS

While surfing the internet, late
I bumped into a guy that seemed great
He only said Hi, as others had tried
but to speak to THEM wasn't in-Nate
He was truly a VIRTUAL man
And try as I wanna
He's way off in Ghana,
So things didn't go quite as planned.

Picture this:  You are chatting online with a guy (named Nate) who has great looking photograph on a dating site. He says the most charming things, including sharing his desire to find a soul mate.  Not that tall an order, right? Is it a mere coincidence that you found each other on this site, or were you profiled, as a middle aged financially secure but lonely woman to bilk money out of? Could you ever fall for a scam like this?

Hopefully not.  I had a conversation with a decent looking guy who said he was from Denmark, having moved here, to San Diego, with his 8 year old son after his wife died recently. (So SAD!)  A Civil Engineer, who was awaiting word on a contract that would take them both to South Africa soon. This was the first red flag.  Not that everyone who pulls romance based scams does so from Africa, but an alarming amount of  scams originate there.

When he told me that they moved to the beach area of San Diego, recently, I asked him which beach? He said, "The one near the rocks."  The tide must have been out because I definitely started to smell something fishy. He might as well have said, "The one near the ocean." for all the sense that made.

Our virtual romance was brief, as I apparently didn't quite fit the financial profile he needed.  It wasn't until he updated his Yahoo profile that two other women came forward to warn everyone of his scams and alias's.  One of the rare times I was glad I had no money to love.

Then there was nice looking American soldier stationed in Afghanistan, who was planning on retiring soon, and wanted a good woman to come home to. The pictures of him and his buddies, the story about growing up here in the states, all seemed feasible.  What  seemed strange was how long it took him to text answers to the most simple questions, and his choice of words.  While we were talking about going to the beach one day and the type of bathing suit I have, he asked, "Do your bossoms full?"  Uh, yeah.  When I asked him if he spoke English as a second language, he said no.  So I asked him if his parents were from somewhere other than the U.S. He said, "Oh yes, I am of mixed race.  My mother is from german and my father is italian." Where I come from that's not what we call mixed race.  I think the race was to Google Translate.  

I started seeing his photograph on different dating sites, sporting different names.  Turns out whoever was in the photograph may have had no idea of his virtual profiles.  He was part of the "Nigerian Fake Soldier Internet Romance Scam" that claimed 375 female victims.  One of whom wired her "virtual fiancee" five hundred thousand dollars over three years time.  A Colorado woman and her 74 year old mother were sentenced to 27 years for their involvement in the scam which is thought to have netted over one million dollars.

So, while Internet dating sites may offer you more opportunities to find someone to love, consider who you give your heart or money to.  They may be only "Virtually Yours."

Your Cheatin Heart

 If you find yourself single after a fairly long relationship that failed,  perhaps it did so because of infidelity. The following observations will hopefully be of interest, whether it was you who looked elsewhere for what was missing, or your mate was the lousy two timer.  In that case what we are discussing here is what I like to call duplicity.  There's just no two ways about it,  in a relationship, it means betrayal.

It may have started out as an innocent flirtation with the cheater having no intention of taking it all the way to actual sex with someone else.  Even if it did culminate in a sneaky affair, they probably never intended for such an encounter to put their marriage in jeopardy.  IF they didn't get caught.  Either by the partner, or caught UP in the thrill of new sex.  It might have been due to actually having sex again, at all, for that matter.

Don't you always wonder about the man with a beautiful wife who's caught stepping out with a woman who seems plain by comparison?  As if selecting someone,  plain  reduces the degree of crime. One of my all time favorite defense tactics, since I was a child and even sometimes now is, “I could have been worse!” “You got a D in math after all that tutoring we did ?!” My mother would say.  “Well at least I didn’t get “a--- F” like in English!“ (I could have been worse!)  Mr. Cheater would say..."It was only sex!  Of course she’s not as pretty as you dear…just a mousy little thing really…who gets aroused when we’re naked together!"  It's all about how the new person makes a cheater feel.  More sexy, more interesting, more attractive.  

Maybe it was you that wandered.  One of the key factors to consider about committment here is expectation.  When things started out, you were never EXPECTING to be unhappily married.  You were not expecting your mate to change their physiological agenda to dis-include you by losing interest in sex with you.  How were you supposed to know, in your heart of hearts,  that the commitment made when you got married was, not to stray, no matter how utterly empty and thwarted the relationship became?  

What kind of marriage is that?  A contracted struggle to tolerate each other until death, do you part?  OR until one of you finally says “uncle.”  Once it has been recognized that you are miserable, rather than commit duplicity, you should just head downtown to file for a separation or divorce and avoid being a cheater. It makes more sense than enduring a bad relationship for the long haul.  But then again, hind sight is 20/20.

KNOW WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE

Dear Best Friend,
I know we have been avoiding each other, but I just wanted to tell you, that even if we aren’t speaking to each other because of our stupid fight, I would still cry if you died. That proves I love you.
Now don’t think that just because I cried when I saw that toothpaste commercial, crying doesn’t mean anything special.  I am very sensitive. I always try to respect your sensitivity too.  We have always had that unspoken rule, about never mentioning things that really hurt us to the bone.   When you said, in front of my family, that my blouse was too low cut and made me look slutty,  that hurt.  I would never go there.  That blouse was  MADE for my figure.  Just because one of your breasts is two sizes smaller than the other, and YOU couldn’t pull it off – I respect your personal style, anyway, and I still love  you.
I didn’t  hold it against you, when you never returned or replaced  my sea foam green cashmere sweater that you borrowed . Even after you ruined it by spilling red wine on it, I never mentioned how expensive it was,  did I?  You, on the other hand keep bringing up that plumb colored jacket of yours, that I borrowed right after you bought it.   You know I  MUST HAVE it and will NEVER return it,  because it doesn’t look that good on you anyway.
A friend is described by Encarta Dictionary as: Someone who is not an enemy.  That certainly leaves a wide range of who friends are.  It’s a good thing there are shades of grey where  allies and enemies exist.  I tell my other friends, being  a friend is a balancing act between the “because of” reasons, and the in spite of traits.  They all say nobody can tell you anything, because you are such a huge gossip.   Like you  just, CAN’T keep your mouth shut!  What about that time you didn’t even mention to us about your husband cheating on you? Everyone in town  already knew about it.  Just ask them.
To think, we made friends at work.  This is the first time for me.  Remember, our first meeting for a  few beers after work? You really were on a fact finding mission for that promotion we were competing  for.  If I still believed, you should “beware the job-friend, “  Wouldn’t I be mad at you for snaking the job out from under me?  I accept your tactics and still love you anyway.  
So now that I’ve made the effort to make up, I need a favor.  Could you either loan me the $500 I need to go on the company cruise, or put it on your credit card?  You know I’m good for it, and it’s not like you don’t know where I work or anything!  We can work something out for me to pay it back over time.  I just don’t want to miss out on the possibility of networking the Company Executives so another promotion doesn’t get away.  I know you know what I mean, and in a way, you owe me.
Your friend for life,
(Name changed to protect the Victim.)

Middle Aged and Dating?

For those of us who are faced with dating again after a long term relationship are discovering that it is nothing like when we were young and searching for that certain exciting,  good looking, possible sex partner. (Not that finding and succeeding with someone who fits that bill wouldn’t be fun.)  By this time most of us don’t have to think about starting a family, because our kids are already starting families of their own.  When the kids are grown, well educated and gone the “empty nest syndrome” that has been defined doesn’t often mention the “empty relationship” that is no longer bound by duty.  Yet it is often undeniable. 

Suddenly we are single, starting over and mature, with time to stop and look at ourselves.  Without the agenda a family demands, what is left?  The opportunity to have a little fun?  To do things differently this time? How do we go about finding someone when we have just begun to rediscover our (single) selves? Take your time. Re-defining yourself isn’t easy, and it certainly is not instantaneous.  If you don’t like your appearance, do something about it!  Not because of pressure from others, but because it will make you feel better about yourself.  Try things you always wondered about…sky diving – tap dancing – pottery.  A friend of mine had terrific results going rock climbing in one of those harness held rock wall places.  She got really fast results in toning up AND met lots of very helpful hard bodied men.

 While you are working on yourself, and exploring the possibilities one way to start going out socially is with group types of functions.  If you bump into someone who you feel some chemistry with, it is a safe environment to get to know them.  If you don’t detect anyone special, you’ve made friends with many people who could end up introducing you to someone down the road, and there’s no awkward rejection from a one on one meeting. 

Most importantly, keep your expectations reasonable.  Be yourself without trying to be overly impressive. Your “best foot forward” gets very tiring to present after a while.  You can be very likeable and comfortable being the new real you.

Mid-Life Crisis: A Matter of Perspective

There is randomness to life, like a crap shoot.  Just when you think you can relax because all the game pieces are now on the table, suddenly – the game has changed, the other player left, or changed the rules, (without telling you the new ones) and you have to start over again.  Hopefully, your strategy will be to come out a winner, even though you fell through a trap door, like divorce.  Maybe it was a severe blow to your career or it could have been something much more personal, like re-evaluating how you have spent years of your life on the wrong bus, in endeavors that have left you flat.

John Lennon said “Life is what happens to you, when you’re busy making other plans.” And sometimes this realization can create what is called a mid-life crisis.  In this great instant gratification country of ours, in our effort to become successful, we struggle for the best education, careers, status symbols or lifestyle, and of course relationships.  The accomplishment of these things, collectively or individually is often the way we measure our own worth and value as people.  The problem with instant gratification is, that it takes so long to get.  If it exists at all.  

Decades after we went steady in the ninth grade, I tracked down my long lost boyfriend on the Internet.  Describing what had gone on since we last saw each other, he said, “After a fourteen year argument, my wife and I got a divorce.  She got the house and cars, and I got the major depression and sizeable drinking problem.”  He was always the comedian, but his humor pointed out to me how we struggle to keep the status quo, even staying in a bad relationship, (at least until the kids are grown) because it  represents failure if the marriage doesn’t work out. 

  

Now, that you’ve survived your separation / abandonment issues, reconciled yourself about getting laid off, or stepped up to the plate  and admitted that you could never have been self-actualized without attempting to accomplish your life’s dream,  don’t be shy, go ahead and take a run at it!  From the first generation that refused to get old, it’s never too late to go for it!

 

Life is really all about change. When unexpected events change your course you may feel great despair or sometimes, anger.  As “The Borg” stated on Startrek, the Next Generation, “Resistance is Futile.”  Ultimately you are going to have to adjust to these changes anyway or you’ll end up getting beat down on the playing field, exhausted and unfulfilled.  The expression, when God closes a door, He opens a window…might mean He opens a government grant that enables you to go back to school, and explore new goals in your life.  Being on your own liberates you from the limiting expectations of others, and lets you discover good things about yourself that you might never have known.    It is all a matter of perspective.  Go ahead and decide to be happy. 

WHAT'S ATTRACTIVE? ARE YOU TOO PICKY?

If you are actively swimming in the “dating pool” looking for your soul mate or just a few no strings attached casual social dates, you will probably agree that physical attraction is  fairly important.  After all, being seen out and about with an “UGGO” could reflect badly on you, should someone from, say,  your workplace happen to see you.
In a world of media and advertising it is possible that constant exposure to young, too thin, super sexy models has made us a little bit shallow and too picky?  Looks certainly aren’t everything, and beauty can be more than on the surface.  If your dating site says you share much compatibility, with someone, don’t avoid checking them out -- even if they are not exactly gorgeous.
Maybe we should examine our own requirements and expectations of who qualifies as attractive.  In an earlier blog, I mentioned the importance of having a good profile photograph, because if you are not photogenic, you could be thrown out of consideration, based on looks.
If your picture is shot from the viewpoint of your pot belly in the foreground, and a telephone pole growing out of your head, PLEASE do yourself a favor and get another picture to put up on your profile!  If your picture is too casual, taken while you were sitting around in lumpy sweats in need of a haircut, pull that picture.  Even if you believe it reflects how you pretty much look most of the time, think of your profile picture as a SPECIAL Occasion.  It will say,” I think searching for romance is worth getting fixed up for.” to the person browsing your profile.
Most of us have seen or know someone who is totally off base in their demands.  A fat, balding past middle aged man who makes insulting remarks because a woman is a few pounds heavier than before she had 3 kids.  Yet he can’t understand why no 25 year old “hotties” will go out with him.  Or a woman who is perfectly satisfied to be 60 pounds overweight, dumping the guy who took her out to a restaurant of her choice when she noticed his large bald spot.
Back when personals ads in print form were being pioneered, I was talking to a guy who had responded to my ad.  We both agreed talking on the phone a few times was a good way to get to know each other, to decide if we wanted to meet.   There were no photos to peruse, just several hour long conversations, where we matched wits, laughed, and flirted.  We agreed to meet for dinner.  When I first got a look at him, he was at least 20 years older than I expected, but not someone I would have considered for a date.  He was a fascinating man who had seen the most remote parts of the world,  who’s manners were impeccable with a great sense of humor. I never regretted getting “tricked” into going out with him.
Finding the right someone can be so elusive, so don’t place limitations on who you will consider.  It may keep love from finding you.