The One That Got Away

 I’m not talking about that “gi-normous” fish that nobody got to see, who threw you back when you couldn’t reel him in. (Although there are similarities here.)  I’m not talking about the unimportant “also rans” in your relationship history. The one that got away came as a big disappointment when it didn’t work out. Maybe you made a decision that you’ll regret for the rest of your life and let them get away.

Have you ever noticed that pain doesn’t reproduce itself in your memory? Sure, you remember that it hurt but our brains have a kind of  selective amnesia that keeps us from having to re-experience the actual pain.

With the one that got away syndrome you just never seem to let go of the memory of what might have been. If love is where the heart is (in theory) our hearts also seem to have selective amnesia about how bad the relationship was and how much pain we went through during the break-up.  Memories about them almost never include those rude insensitive arguments, or how over-demanding and impossible to please they were. All of that goes away, and is replaced with a romanticized, anesthetized memory of  that person.

The one that got away can become so idealized in our memory that there is a danger of using them as a standard to gauge someone new that we are seeing. This is unfair, because there is no way anyone can measure up to a memory.  Maybe you’ve had the experience of pining away over pictures of your ex and you, taken during the good times.  How could that happy couple in those pictures ever break up? The answer is simple.  Nobody was taking snapshots of her keying your car, in a jealous psychotic rage. Nobody was there to capture pictures of her irritating voice, and constant nagging. Where are the pictures of  him never being able to keep a job for more than a month? Or coming out of a bar with some skank that night you were supposed to be working? How do you take pictures of one more night of unsatisfactory sex? The pictures in your memory become more and more soft focus as the years go by. 

Keeping a little shrine in your memory about this lost relationship can be threatening to finding long term happiness in a new one.  The first place to look for it is within your own heart.  Do you believe that no relationship could ever be as good as your “one that got away?” They’re long gone, but in your heart, you never let them go. The old “Is it real or is it memorex?” commercial said it all.  If they were so great why didn’t it work out? Don’t hold back on the pleasure of your mate who’s here and now in favor of someone who was clearly never meant to be with you

Does your partner have a supreme memory of  his long lost love in your daily existence?  This can feel like you are sharing him /or her even if they haven’t seen each other in ages. Its insulting to have to compete with the memory of someone who has probably moved on after realizing the relationship would never culminate for long term.  If you can think of your partner’s fixation with their old boy/girlfriend as idealized, it isn’t much different than them having a pin-up of a movie star on the wall.  The movie star may appreciate having a fan, but could care less about what is ancient history with someone who didn't work out.  Try being the kind of mate who is unforgettable in the here and now, and those old memories will be replaced with new ones you will create over the years.

Dating the World Wide Web

In the past people tended to pick the best prospect to hook  up with from a very small pool of people;  people you worked with, where the pool of appropriate age single people might be only three or four, people you got "fixed up" with, by friends or (God forbid) your mother, or someone you thought looked really good after three or four cocktails on girls night out, (or while out with the boys.)
Now we can pick from the whole WORLD WIDE WEB of prospects. Dating on the internet is a little bit like Hoover Dam being held off  by the poor little boy with his finger in the (no pun intended) dyke. 
Here are some observations I made about who's out there and why it is harder still to find the right person.  When you think of whom you want in a mate, besides being tall, blonde, with a good sense of humor, consider this:
First, they must be “computer literate.”  They must have internet access, an email address, own a digital camera, and know how to upload the right type of photo files, (jpeg, gif, etc.) to their computers.
They must be photogenic.  Some people, for some reason, look really unattractive in photographs.  Even with ideal conditions and professional lighting they just don’t photograph well.  If a picture speaks a thousand words, one thing it will scream is any slight imperfection.  Being slightly over-weight, or balding, too large a shadow under that “distinctive” nose gets thrown into the “no thank you!” pile without a second look.
Dating websites’ questionnaires are designed to bring out a member’s personality type or interesting qualities but your prospect better have a flair for writing too.  The bio they write about themselves should be an inventory of all their own strong points and a wish list of who their ideal partner would be.  If they’ve managed the tech-y side of signing up, and uploaded a photogenic picture of themselves, wrote a decent bio (with no major spelling or grammar errors, beware of the shallow factor.
They must not be SO shallow as to demand that YOU be gorgeous, have (only) a trim, athletic build, are  independently wealthy, and have no vices whatsoever…Please, also be emotionally available.
Good luck to us all.