DOES THIS SKIRT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

FASHION & FIGURES:  BEYOND SELF-SABOTAGE

Does this skirt make me look fat?  That is a question that is ripe with opportunity.  The skirt has little to do with the answer being sought.  It is a kind of insecure mind game that runs through a woman’s mind as she is getting ready to go out to a public place.  (She doesn’t ask that question when she’s padding around the house in a pair of furry slippers and an old terrycloth bathrobe!)

A friend of mine who was a reasonable size 9-10 would always ask me that question.  Didn’t matter where we were going, or what she was wearing, she simply needed to hear that she looked fine in what she had on.  Correction, not “fine” as in “You look FINE,” or “How are you? “FINE.”  And not, “Hey baby, you sho look FINE!” but rather, Good.”  Yeah, that looks…good.”  “Are you SURE?” she’d follow with.

Now, that’s where the fun begins.  “You know, fat  is in the eye of the beholder.” I’d say.  What’s fat to you, might be slim to others. Didn’t you just lose 6 pounds?”  She’d strain her neck doing a “Linda Blair Exorcist” head turn to see her rear in the mirror.  “What size is it?”  I’d ask.  “WHY?” she’d turn to look me in the eye.  “I don’t know, does it feel…tight, or anything?”

Unzipping it now, she’d breathe an exasperated sigh.  “Hey, some guys LIKE a big behind…” I’d grin.  “Don’t change now, we’re going to be late!” Out comes an array of hopefully, “Not fat”  clothes. “ I lost 5 pounds, and  now you tell me I still look fat?” she is in a changing frenzy.  “Nol I never said that!” It doesn’t matter, because she’s not listening to me anymore anyway.  I don’t know what I would have done, if her skirt really DID make her look fat. 

“Okay, I’ll wear this.” She decides on a teal skirt with the slit on the side.  “Perfect!” I agree.  I’ve always loved that on you, and they won’t remember you wore it last time we came over.”  “DID I?” “Well,  I’m not sure if you did or not.” I say. “ Maybe it was just that Julie was wearing that teal colored sweater that matches you perfectly.  Oh yeah, AND the ‘80’s sofa set in the clubhouse.

“You know, I’m really thinking of  missing their party after all. I don’t have ANY thing to wear.”  She sighs.  “Nonsense!  You know they always have great parties!”  I remind her.  “Here put this on.”  I hand her the original skirt she started with. She doesn’t notice, and slips into it, only now she’s wearing different shoes, with a higher heel. “Yeah, this looks good with these shoes.”  She says.  She’s got jewelry, a purse, the shoes, a nice jacket, she looks hot.  She smiles confidently and says “THIS doesn’t make me look fat, does it?” I stand behind her, holding my hand up, as if to shield my eyes from the site of her. “Oh My God!” I blurt out, “YOU ARE HUGE!  CAN YOU GET THROUGH THE DOOR?  There’s NO WAY I’m going to be seen ANYWHERE with you with the size of that…GEEZUS!”  “Okay, okay,” she says. “I get your point.”

Dating the World Wide Web

In the past people tended to pick the best prospect to hook  up with from a very small pool of people;  people you worked with, where the pool of appropriate age single people might be only three or four, people you got "fixed up" with, by friends or (God forbid) your mother, or someone you thought looked really good after three or four cocktails on girls night out, (or while out with the boys.)
Now we can pick from the whole WORLD WIDE WEB of prospects. Dating on the internet is a little bit like Hoover Dam being held off  by the poor little boy with his finger in the (no pun intended) dyke. 
Here are some observations I made about who's out there and why it is harder still to find the right person.  When you think of whom you want in a mate, besides being tall, blonde, with a good sense of humor, consider this:
First, they must be “computer literate.”  They must have internet access, an email address, own a digital camera, and know how to upload the right type of photo files, (jpeg, gif, etc.) to their computers.
They must be photogenic.  Some people, for some reason, look really unattractive in photographs.  Even with ideal conditions and professional lighting they just don’t photograph well.  If a picture speaks a thousand words, one thing it will scream is any slight imperfection.  Being slightly over-weight, or balding, too large a shadow under that “distinctive” nose gets thrown into the “no thank you!” pile without a second look.
Dating websites’ questionnaires are designed to bring out a member’s personality type or interesting qualities but your prospect better have a flair for writing too.  The bio they write about themselves should be an inventory of all their own strong points and a wish list of who their ideal partner would be.  If they’ve managed the tech-y side of signing up, and uploaded a photogenic picture of themselves, wrote a decent bio (with no major spelling or grammar errors, beware of the shallow factor.
They must not be SO shallow as to demand that YOU be gorgeous, have (only) a trim, athletic build, are  independently wealthy, and have no vices whatsoever…Please, also be emotionally available.
Good luck to us all.