Your Cheatin Heart

 If you find yourself single after a fairly long relationship that failed,  perhaps it did so because of infidelity. The following observations will hopefully be of interest, whether it was you who looked elsewhere for what was missing, or your mate was the lousy two timer.  In that case what we are discussing here is what I like to call duplicity.  There's just no two ways about it,  in a relationship, it means betrayal.

It may have started out as an innocent flirtation with the cheater having no intention of taking it all the way to actual sex with someone else.  Even if it did culminate in a sneaky affair, they probably never intended for such an encounter to put their marriage in jeopardy.  IF they didn't get caught.  Either by the partner, or caught UP in the thrill of new sex.  It might have been due to actually having sex again, at all, for that matter.

Don't you always wonder about the man with a beautiful wife who's caught stepping out with a woman who seems plain by comparison?  As if selecting someone,  plain  reduces the degree of crime. One of my all time favorite defense tactics, since I was a child and even sometimes now is, “I could have been worse!” “You got a D in math after all that tutoring we did ?!” My mother would say.  “Well at least I didn’t get “a--- F” like in English!“ (I could have been worse!)  Mr. Cheater would say..."It was only sex!  Of course she’s not as pretty as you dear…just a mousy little thing really…who gets aroused when we’re naked together!"  It's all about how the new person makes a cheater feel.  More sexy, more interesting, more attractive.  

Maybe it was you that wandered.  One of the key factors to consider about committment here is expectation.  When things started out, you were never EXPECTING to be unhappily married.  You were not expecting your mate to change their physiological agenda to dis-include you by losing interest in sex with you.  How were you supposed to know, in your heart of hearts,  that the commitment made when you got married was, not to stray, no matter how utterly empty and thwarted the relationship became?  

What kind of marriage is that?  A contracted struggle to tolerate each other until death, do you part?  OR until one of you finally says “uncle.”  Once it has been recognized that you are miserable, rather than commit duplicity, you should just head downtown to file for a separation or divorce and avoid being a cheater. It makes more sense than enduring a bad relationship for the long haul.  But then again, hind sight is 20/20.

KNOW WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE

Dear Best Friend,
I know we have been avoiding each other, but I just wanted to tell you, that even if we aren’t speaking to each other because of our stupid fight, I would still cry if you died. That proves I love you.
Now don’t think that just because I cried when I saw that toothpaste commercial, crying doesn’t mean anything special.  I am very sensitive. I always try to respect your sensitivity too.  We have always had that unspoken rule, about never mentioning things that really hurt us to the bone.   When you said, in front of my family, that my blouse was too low cut and made me look slutty,  that hurt.  I would never go there.  That blouse was  MADE for my figure.  Just because one of your breasts is two sizes smaller than the other, and YOU couldn’t pull it off – I respect your personal style, anyway, and I still love  you.
I didn’t  hold it against you, when you never returned or replaced  my sea foam green cashmere sweater that you borrowed . Even after you ruined it by spilling red wine on it, I never mentioned how expensive it was,  did I?  You, on the other hand keep bringing up that plumb colored jacket of yours, that I borrowed right after you bought it.   You know I  MUST HAVE it and will NEVER return it,  because it doesn’t look that good on you anyway.
A friend is described by Encarta Dictionary as: Someone who is not an enemy.  That certainly leaves a wide range of who friends are.  It’s a good thing there are shades of grey where  allies and enemies exist.  I tell my other friends, being  a friend is a balancing act between the “because of” reasons, and the in spite of traits.  They all say nobody can tell you anything, because you are such a huge gossip.   Like you  just, CAN’T keep your mouth shut!  What about that time you didn’t even mention to us about your husband cheating on you? Everyone in town  already knew about it.  Just ask them.
To think, we made friends at work.  This is the first time for me.  Remember, our first meeting for a  few beers after work? You really were on a fact finding mission for that promotion we were competing  for.  If I still believed, you should “beware the job-friend, “  Wouldn’t I be mad at you for snaking the job out from under me?  I accept your tactics and still love you anyway.  
So now that I’ve made the effort to make up, I need a favor.  Could you either loan me the $500 I need to go on the company cruise, or put it on your credit card?  You know I’m good for it, and it’s not like you don’t know where I work or anything!  We can work something out for me to pay it back over time.  I just don’t want to miss out on the possibility of networking the Company Executives so another promotion doesn’t get away.  I know you know what I mean, and in a way, you owe me.
Your friend for life,
(Name changed to protect the Victim.)

Middle Aged and Dating?

For those of us who are faced with dating again after a long term relationship are discovering that it is nothing like when we were young and searching for that certain exciting,  good looking, possible sex partner. (Not that finding and succeeding with someone who fits that bill wouldn’t be fun.)  By this time most of us don’t have to think about starting a family, because our kids are already starting families of their own.  When the kids are grown, well educated and gone the “empty nest syndrome” that has been defined doesn’t often mention the “empty relationship” that is no longer bound by duty.  Yet it is often undeniable. 

Suddenly we are single, starting over and mature, with time to stop and look at ourselves.  Without the agenda a family demands, what is left?  The opportunity to have a little fun?  To do things differently this time? How do we go about finding someone when we have just begun to rediscover our (single) selves? Take your time. Re-defining yourself isn’t easy, and it certainly is not instantaneous.  If you don’t like your appearance, do something about it!  Not because of pressure from others, but because it will make you feel better about yourself.  Try things you always wondered about…sky diving – tap dancing – pottery.  A friend of mine had terrific results going rock climbing in one of those harness held rock wall places.  She got really fast results in toning up AND met lots of very helpful hard bodied men.

 While you are working on yourself, and exploring the possibilities one way to start going out socially is with group types of functions.  If you bump into someone who you feel some chemistry with, it is a safe environment to get to know them.  If you don’t detect anyone special, you’ve made friends with many people who could end up introducing you to someone down the road, and there’s no awkward rejection from a one on one meeting. 

Most importantly, keep your expectations reasonable.  Be yourself without trying to be overly impressive. Your “best foot forward” gets very tiring to present after a while.  You can be very likeable and comfortable being the new real you.

Mid-Life Crisis: A Matter of Perspective

There is randomness to life, like a crap shoot.  Just when you think you can relax because all the game pieces are now on the table, suddenly – the game has changed, the other player left, or changed the rules, (without telling you the new ones) and you have to start over again.  Hopefully, your strategy will be to come out a winner, even though you fell through a trap door, like divorce.  Maybe it was a severe blow to your career or it could have been something much more personal, like re-evaluating how you have spent years of your life on the wrong bus, in endeavors that have left you flat.

John Lennon said “Life is what happens to you, when you’re busy making other plans.” And sometimes this realization can create what is called a mid-life crisis.  In this great instant gratification country of ours, in our effort to become successful, we struggle for the best education, careers, status symbols or lifestyle, and of course relationships.  The accomplishment of these things, collectively or individually is often the way we measure our own worth and value as people.  The problem with instant gratification is, that it takes so long to get.  If it exists at all.  

Decades after we went steady in the ninth grade, I tracked down my long lost boyfriend on the Internet.  Describing what had gone on since we last saw each other, he said, “After a fourteen year argument, my wife and I got a divorce.  She got the house and cars, and I got the major depression and sizeable drinking problem.”  He was always the comedian, but his humor pointed out to me how we struggle to keep the status quo, even staying in a bad relationship, (at least until the kids are grown) because it  represents failure if the marriage doesn’t work out. 

  

Now, that you’ve survived your separation / abandonment issues, reconciled yourself about getting laid off, or stepped up to the plate  and admitted that you could never have been self-actualized without attempting to accomplish your life’s dream,  don’t be shy, go ahead and take a run at it!  From the first generation that refused to get old, it’s never too late to go for it!

 

Life is really all about change. When unexpected events change your course you may feel great despair or sometimes, anger.  As “The Borg” stated on Startrek, the Next Generation, “Resistance is Futile.”  Ultimately you are going to have to adjust to these changes anyway or you’ll end up getting beat down on the playing field, exhausted and unfulfilled.  The expression, when God closes a door, He opens a window…might mean He opens a government grant that enables you to go back to school, and explore new goals in your life.  Being on your own liberates you from the limiting expectations of others, and lets you discover good things about yourself that you might never have known.    It is all a matter of perspective.  Go ahead and decide to be happy. 

WHAT'S ATTRACTIVE? ARE YOU TOO PICKY?

If you are actively swimming in the “dating pool” looking for your soul mate or just a few no strings attached casual social dates, you will probably agree that physical attraction is  fairly important.  After all, being seen out and about with an “UGGO” could reflect badly on you, should someone from, say,  your workplace happen to see you.
In a world of media and advertising it is possible that constant exposure to young, too thin, super sexy models has made us a little bit shallow and too picky?  Looks certainly aren’t everything, and beauty can be more than on the surface.  If your dating site says you share much compatibility, with someone, don’t avoid checking them out -- even if they are not exactly gorgeous.
Maybe we should examine our own requirements and expectations of who qualifies as attractive.  In an earlier blog, I mentioned the importance of having a good profile photograph, because if you are not photogenic, you could be thrown out of consideration, based on looks.
If your picture is shot from the viewpoint of your pot belly in the foreground, and a telephone pole growing out of your head, PLEASE do yourself a favor and get another picture to put up on your profile!  If your picture is too casual, taken while you were sitting around in lumpy sweats in need of a haircut, pull that picture.  Even if you believe it reflects how you pretty much look most of the time, think of your profile picture as a SPECIAL Occasion.  It will say,” I think searching for romance is worth getting fixed up for.” to the person browsing your profile.
Most of us have seen or know someone who is totally off base in their demands.  A fat, balding past middle aged man who makes insulting remarks because a woman is a few pounds heavier than before she had 3 kids.  Yet he can’t understand why no 25 year old “hotties” will go out with him.  Or a woman who is perfectly satisfied to be 60 pounds overweight, dumping the guy who took her out to a restaurant of her choice when she noticed his large bald spot.
Back when personals ads in print form were being pioneered, I was talking to a guy who had responded to my ad.  We both agreed talking on the phone a few times was a good way to get to know each other, to decide if we wanted to meet.   There were no photos to peruse, just several hour long conversations, where we matched wits, laughed, and flirted.  We agreed to meet for dinner.  When I first got a look at him, he was at least 20 years older than I expected, but not someone I would have considered for a date.  He was a fascinating man who had seen the most remote parts of the world,  who’s manners were impeccable with a great sense of humor. I never regretted getting “tricked” into going out with him.
Finding the right someone can be so elusive, so don’t place limitations on who you will consider.  It may keep love from finding you.

DOES THIS SKIRT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

FASHION & FIGURES:  BEYOND SELF-SABOTAGE

Does this skirt make me look fat?  That is a question that is ripe with opportunity.  The skirt has little to do with the answer being sought.  It is a kind of insecure mind game that runs through a woman’s mind as she is getting ready to go out to a public place.  (She doesn’t ask that question when she’s padding around the house in a pair of furry slippers and an old terrycloth bathrobe!)

A friend of mine who was a reasonable size 9-10 would always ask me that question.  Didn’t matter where we were going, or what she was wearing, she simply needed to hear that she looked fine in what she had on.  Correction, not “fine” as in “You look FINE,” or “How are you? “FINE.”  And not, “Hey baby, you sho look FINE!” but rather, Good.”  Yeah, that looks…good.”  “Are you SURE?” she’d follow with.

Now, that’s where the fun begins.  “You know, fat  is in the eye of the beholder.” I’d say.  What’s fat to you, might be slim to others. Didn’t you just lose 6 pounds?”  She’d strain her neck doing a “Linda Blair Exorcist” head turn to see her rear in the mirror.  “What size is it?”  I’d ask.  “WHY?” she’d turn to look me in the eye.  “I don’t know, does it feel…tight, or anything?”

Unzipping it now, she’d breathe an exasperated sigh.  “Hey, some guys LIKE a big behind…” I’d grin.  “Don’t change now, we’re going to be late!” Out comes an array of hopefully, “Not fat”  clothes. “ I lost 5 pounds, and  now you tell me I still look fat?” she is in a changing frenzy.  “Nol I never said that!” It doesn’t matter, because she’s not listening to me anymore anyway.  I don’t know what I would have done, if her skirt really DID make her look fat. 

“Okay, I’ll wear this.” She decides on a teal skirt with the slit on the side.  “Perfect!” I agree.  I’ve always loved that on you, and they won’t remember you wore it last time we came over.”  “DID I?” “Well,  I’m not sure if you did or not.” I say. “ Maybe it was just that Julie was wearing that teal colored sweater that matches you perfectly.  Oh yeah, AND the ‘80’s sofa set in the clubhouse.

“You know, I’m really thinking of  missing their party after all. I don’t have ANY thing to wear.”  She sighs.  “Nonsense!  You know they always have great parties!”  I remind her.  “Here put this on.”  I hand her the original skirt she started with. She doesn’t notice, and slips into it, only now she’s wearing different shoes, with a higher heel. “Yeah, this looks good with these shoes.”  She says.  She’s got jewelry, a purse, the shoes, a nice jacket, she looks hot.  She smiles confidently and says “THIS doesn’t make me look fat, does it?” I stand behind her, holding my hand up, as if to shield my eyes from the site of her. “Oh My God!” I blurt out, “YOU ARE HUGE!  CAN YOU GET THROUGH THE DOOR?  There’s NO WAY I’m going to be seen ANYWHERE with you with the size of that…GEEZUS!”  “Okay, okay,” she says. “I get your point.”