Middle Aged and Dating?

For those of us who are faced with dating again after a long term relationship are discovering that it is nothing like when we were young and searching for that certain exciting,  good looking, possible sex partner. (Not that finding and succeeding with someone who fits that bill wouldn’t be fun.)  By this time most of us don’t have to think about starting a family, because our kids are already starting families of their own.  When the kids are grown, well educated and gone the “empty nest syndrome” that has been defined doesn’t often mention the “empty relationship” that is no longer bound by duty.  Yet it is often undeniable. 

Suddenly we are single, starting over and mature, with time to stop and look at ourselves.  Without the agenda a family demands, what is left?  The opportunity to have a little fun?  To do things differently this time? How do we go about finding someone when we have just begun to rediscover our (single) selves? Take your time. Re-defining yourself isn’t easy, and it certainly is not instantaneous.  If you don’t like your appearance, do something about it!  Not because of pressure from others, but because it will make you feel better about yourself.  Try things you always wondered about…sky diving – tap dancing – pottery.  A friend of mine had terrific results going rock climbing in one of those harness held rock wall places.  She got really fast results in toning up AND met lots of very helpful hard bodied men.

 While you are working on yourself, and exploring the possibilities one way to start going out socially is with group types of functions.  If you bump into someone who you feel some chemistry with, it is a safe environment to get to know them.  If you don’t detect anyone special, you’ve made friends with many people who could end up introducing you to someone down the road, and there’s no awkward rejection from a one on one meeting. 

Most importantly, keep your expectations reasonable.  Be yourself without trying to be overly impressive. Your “best foot forward” gets very tiring to present after a while.  You can be very likeable and comfortable being the new real you.

Mid-Life Crisis: A Matter of Perspective

There is randomness to life, like a crap shoot.  Just when you think you can relax because all the game pieces are now on the table, suddenly – the game has changed, the other player left, or changed the rules, (without telling you the new ones) and you have to start over again.  Hopefully, your strategy will be to come out a winner, even though you fell through a trap door, like divorce.  Maybe it was a severe blow to your career or it could have been something much more personal, like re-evaluating how you have spent years of your life on the wrong bus, in endeavors that have left you flat.

John Lennon said “Life is what happens to you, when you’re busy making other plans.” And sometimes this realization can create what is called a mid-life crisis.  In this great instant gratification country of ours, in our effort to become successful, we struggle for the best education, careers, status symbols or lifestyle, and of course relationships.  The accomplishment of these things, collectively or individually is often the way we measure our own worth and value as people.  The problem with instant gratification is, that it takes so long to get.  If it exists at all.  

Decades after we went steady in the ninth grade, I tracked down my long lost boyfriend on the Internet.  Describing what had gone on since we last saw each other, he said, “After a fourteen year argument, my wife and I got a divorce.  She got the house and cars, and I got the major depression and sizeable drinking problem.”  He was always the comedian, but his humor pointed out to me how we struggle to keep the status quo, even staying in a bad relationship, (at least until the kids are grown) because it  represents failure if the marriage doesn’t work out. 

  

Now, that you’ve survived your separation / abandonment issues, reconciled yourself about getting laid off, or stepped up to the plate  and admitted that you could never have been self-actualized without attempting to accomplish your life’s dream,  don’t be shy, go ahead and take a run at it!  From the first generation that refused to get old, it’s never too late to go for it!

 

Life is really all about change. When unexpected events change your course you may feel great despair or sometimes, anger.  As “The Borg” stated on Startrek, the Next Generation, “Resistance is Futile.”  Ultimately you are going to have to adjust to these changes anyway or you’ll end up getting beat down on the playing field, exhausted and unfulfilled.  The expression, when God closes a door, He opens a window…might mean He opens a government grant that enables you to go back to school, and explore new goals in your life.  Being on your own liberates you from the limiting expectations of others, and lets you discover good things about yourself that you might never have known.    It is all a matter of perspective.  Go ahead and decide to be happy. 

WHAT'S ATTRACTIVE? ARE YOU TOO PICKY?

If you are actively swimming in the “dating pool” looking for your soul mate or just a few no strings attached casual social dates, you will probably agree that physical attraction is  fairly important.  After all, being seen out and about with an “UGGO” could reflect badly on you, should someone from, say,  your workplace happen to see you.
In a world of media and advertising it is possible that constant exposure to young, too thin, super sexy models has made us a little bit shallow and too picky?  Looks certainly aren’t everything, and beauty can be more than on the surface.  If your dating site says you share much compatibility, with someone, don’t avoid checking them out -- even if they are not exactly gorgeous.
Maybe we should examine our own requirements and expectations of who qualifies as attractive.  In an earlier blog, I mentioned the importance of having a good profile photograph, because if you are not photogenic, you could be thrown out of consideration, based on looks.
If your picture is shot from the viewpoint of your pot belly in the foreground, and a telephone pole growing out of your head, PLEASE do yourself a favor and get another picture to put up on your profile!  If your picture is too casual, taken while you were sitting around in lumpy sweats in need of a haircut, pull that picture.  Even if you believe it reflects how you pretty much look most of the time, think of your profile picture as a SPECIAL Occasion.  It will say,” I think searching for romance is worth getting fixed up for.” to the person browsing your profile.
Most of us have seen or know someone who is totally off base in their demands.  A fat, balding past middle aged man who makes insulting remarks because a woman is a few pounds heavier than before she had 3 kids.  Yet he can’t understand why no 25 year old “hotties” will go out with him.  Or a woman who is perfectly satisfied to be 60 pounds overweight, dumping the guy who took her out to a restaurant of her choice when she noticed his large bald spot.
Back when personals ads in print form were being pioneered, I was talking to a guy who had responded to my ad.  We both agreed talking on the phone a few times was a good way to get to know each other, to decide if we wanted to meet.   There were no photos to peruse, just several hour long conversations, where we matched wits, laughed, and flirted.  We agreed to meet for dinner.  When I first got a look at him, he was at least 20 years older than I expected, but not someone I would have considered for a date.  He was a fascinating man who had seen the most remote parts of the world,  who’s manners were impeccable with a great sense of humor. I never regretted getting “tricked” into going out with him.
Finding the right someone can be so elusive, so don’t place limitations on who you will consider.  It may keep love from finding you.

DOES THIS SKIRT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

FASHION & FIGURES:  BEYOND SELF-SABOTAGE

Does this skirt make me look fat?  That is a question that is ripe with opportunity.  The skirt has little to do with the answer being sought.  It is a kind of insecure mind game that runs through a woman’s mind as she is getting ready to go out to a public place.  (She doesn’t ask that question when she’s padding around the house in a pair of furry slippers and an old terrycloth bathrobe!)

A friend of mine who was a reasonable size 9-10 would always ask me that question.  Didn’t matter where we were going, or what she was wearing, she simply needed to hear that she looked fine in what she had on.  Correction, not “fine” as in “You look FINE,” or “How are you? “FINE.”  And not, “Hey baby, you sho look FINE!” but rather, Good.”  Yeah, that looks…good.”  “Are you SURE?” she’d follow with.

Now, that’s where the fun begins.  “You know, fat  is in the eye of the beholder.” I’d say.  What’s fat to you, might be slim to others. Didn’t you just lose 6 pounds?”  She’d strain her neck doing a “Linda Blair Exorcist” head turn to see her rear in the mirror.  “What size is it?”  I’d ask.  “WHY?” she’d turn to look me in the eye.  “I don’t know, does it feel…tight, or anything?”

Unzipping it now, she’d breathe an exasperated sigh.  “Hey, some guys LIKE a big behind…” I’d grin.  “Don’t change now, we’re going to be late!” Out comes an array of hopefully, “Not fat”  clothes. “ I lost 5 pounds, and  now you tell me I still look fat?” she is in a changing frenzy.  “Nol I never said that!” It doesn’t matter, because she’s not listening to me anymore anyway.  I don’t know what I would have done, if her skirt really DID make her look fat. 

“Okay, I’ll wear this.” She decides on a teal skirt with the slit on the side.  “Perfect!” I agree.  I’ve always loved that on you, and they won’t remember you wore it last time we came over.”  “DID I?” “Well,  I’m not sure if you did or not.” I say. “ Maybe it was just that Julie was wearing that teal colored sweater that matches you perfectly.  Oh yeah, AND the ‘80’s sofa set in the clubhouse.

“You know, I’m really thinking of  missing their party after all. I don’t have ANY thing to wear.”  She sighs.  “Nonsense!  You know they always have great parties!”  I remind her.  “Here put this on.”  I hand her the original skirt she started with. She doesn’t notice, and slips into it, only now she’s wearing different shoes, with a higher heel. “Yeah, this looks good with these shoes.”  She says.  She’s got jewelry, a purse, the shoes, a nice jacket, she looks hot.  She smiles confidently and says “THIS doesn’t make me look fat, does it?” I stand behind her, holding my hand up, as if to shield my eyes from the site of her. “Oh My God!” I blurt out, “YOU ARE HUGE!  CAN YOU GET THROUGH THE DOOR?  There’s NO WAY I’m going to be seen ANYWHERE with you with the size of that…GEEZUS!”  “Okay, okay,” she says. “I get your point.”

The One That Got Away

 I’m not talking about that “gi-normous” fish that nobody got to see, who threw you back when you couldn’t reel him in. (Although there are similarities here.)  I’m not talking about the unimportant “also rans” in your relationship history. The one that got away came as a big disappointment when it didn’t work out. Maybe you made a decision that you’ll regret for the rest of your life and let them get away.

Have you ever noticed that pain doesn’t reproduce itself in your memory? Sure, you remember that it hurt but our brains have a kind of  selective amnesia that keeps us from having to re-experience the actual pain.

With the one that got away syndrome you just never seem to let go of the memory of what might have been. If love is where the heart is (in theory) our hearts also seem to have selective amnesia about how bad the relationship was and how much pain we went through during the break-up.  Memories about them almost never include those rude insensitive arguments, or how over-demanding and impossible to please they were. All of that goes away, and is replaced with a romanticized, anesthetized memory of  that person.

The one that got away can become so idealized in our memory that there is a danger of using them as a standard to gauge someone new that we are seeing. This is unfair, because there is no way anyone can measure up to a memory.  Maybe you’ve had the experience of pining away over pictures of your ex and you, taken during the good times.  How could that happy couple in those pictures ever break up? The answer is simple.  Nobody was taking snapshots of her keying your car, in a jealous psychotic rage. Nobody was there to capture pictures of her irritating voice, and constant nagging. Where are the pictures of  him never being able to keep a job for more than a month? Or coming out of a bar with some skank that night you were supposed to be working? How do you take pictures of one more night of unsatisfactory sex? The pictures in your memory become more and more soft focus as the years go by. 

Keeping a little shrine in your memory about this lost relationship can be threatening to finding long term happiness in a new one.  The first place to look for it is within your own heart.  Do you believe that no relationship could ever be as good as your “one that got away?” They’re long gone, but in your heart, you never let them go. The old “Is it real or is it memorex?” commercial said it all.  If they were so great why didn’t it work out? Don’t hold back on the pleasure of your mate who’s here and now in favor of someone who was clearly never meant to be with you

Does your partner have a supreme memory of  his long lost love in your daily existence?  This can feel like you are sharing him /or her even if they haven’t seen each other in ages. Its insulting to have to compete with the memory of someone who has probably moved on after realizing the relationship would never culminate for long term.  If you can think of your partner’s fixation with their old boy/girlfriend as idealized, it isn’t much different than them having a pin-up of a movie star on the wall.  The movie star may appreciate having a fan, but could care less about what is ancient history with someone who didn't work out.  Try being the kind of mate who is unforgettable in the here and now, and those old memories will be replaced with new ones you will create over the years.

Dating the World Wide Web

In the past people tended to pick the best prospect to hook  up with from a very small pool of people;  people you worked with, where the pool of appropriate age single people might be only three or four, people you got "fixed up" with, by friends or (God forbid) your mother, or someone you thought looked really good after three or four cocktails on girls night out, (or while out with the boys.)
Now we can pick from the whole WORLD WIDE WEB of prospects. Dating on the internet is a little bit like Hoover Dam being held off  by the poor little boy with his finger in the (no pun intended) dyke. 
Here are some observations I made about who's out there and why it is harder still to find the right person.  When you think of whom you want in a mate, besides being tall, blonde, with a good sense of humor, consider this:
First, they must be “computer literate.”  They must have internet access, an email address, own a digital camera, and know how to upload the right type of photo files, (jpeg, gif, etc.) to their computers.
They must be photogenic.  Some people, for some reason, look really unattractive in photographs.  Even with ideal conditions and professional lighting they just don’t photograph well.  If a picture speaks a thousand words, one thing it will scream is any slight imperfection.  Being slightly over-weight, or balding, too large a shadow under that “distinctive” nose gets thrown into the “no thank you!” pile without a second look.
Dating websites’ questionnaires are designed to bring out a member’s personality type or interesting qualities but your prospect better have a flair for writing too.  The bio they write about themselves should be an inventory of all their own strong points and a wish list of who their ideal partner would be.  If they’ve managed the tech-y side of signing up, and uploaded a photogenic picture of themselves, wrote a decent bio (with no major spelling or grammar errors, beware of the shallow factor.
They must not be SO shallow as to demand that YOU be gorgeous, have (only) a trim, athletic build, are  independently wealthy, and have no vices whatsoever…Please, also be emotionally available.
Good luck to us all.